All is Revealed in an Epic of Epic Epicness
by PhantomKino
Summary: The truth is always simpler than you think... What really happened during the fourth arc? And after? Soon, a many chapter adventure shall take place on this very page... in the quest for the Ultimate Answer to Everything! Next chapter coming soon.
1. Prologue: Math Teacher Was Always Right

**A/N: Prepare yourself... for an epic adventure... a giant multi-chapter Umineko fanfic... THAT SHALL REVEAL _ALL_! I don't own Umineko. I don't have the brain size to be able to imagine something like this. My hope is that this little crack-fic-that-takes-itself-seriously will shine some light on how all the events on Rokkenjima came to happen. And yes, this starts quite slow. I guarentee you that you're about to read the longest prologue ever written for an Umineko parody fic. References and shoutouts abound! Digital cookies if you find them! Oh, and I have quite a lot of the actual story written already, but I really only wanna update it and finish if I know people are reading. So... REVIEW! This prologue is totally lame... I promise when the actual story starts its gets much better...**

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PROLOGUE: YOUR MATH TEACH WAS ALWAYS RIGHT

"What is this?" Battler mused as he stared at the brown box in front of him. Could this be his test? He needed to win... he needed to avenge the death of George, Jessica, and Kyrie... Beatrice would not win!

"Battler!" called a female voice. He looked up to see a blond woman on the balcony, a look challenge in her eyes. Lightning flashed ominously.

"You!" he shouted, clenching his fists. "Beatrice!"

"Battler. Your test is in that box." she smirked.

"I don't give a damn about this stupid game, or who the next head is!" His voice began to rise in volume. "I'm gonna beat the hell out of you, that damn geezer, and whoever killed everyone! Call them here now, Beatrice!"

She giggled. "I'll let you do that if you can pass your test..."

Battler sighed. "Fine. And the first prize I'll demand is your death!"

"Ufufufu... how scary! There's a letter inside that box. Read it."

Battler cautiously walked forward. There what indeed a letter, the envelope decorated with the family's one-winged eagle. The message was clear. "Sacrifice one," it read, in order to gain two."

"What the hell?" he murmured, "The second blank's even empty! Does this mean some random person will die?"

"Haha... not at all! That's where you put the name of the one you love most. Now, Battler-kun, who is it that you like?"

"I have no love for any girl in particular. Moot point. This test is over."

"YES!" Beatrice shouted, "I KNEW IT! You hold no love for any girl? Take that, Kinzo! I win the bet!"

"...What?"

"I KNEW THAT YOU WERE ALSO CRUSHING ON KANON-KUN! Damn, I should've waited until both you and Jessica finished your tests before I killed him off..."

"...WHAT?"

"All that grabbing at girls, rude jokes, macho challenges... it was all much too over-the-top! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY FROM THE START!"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Battler dropped the letter in frustration, as he shook his fist at the 'witch' above him. "Not a chance!" After Meta-Battler subconsciously interfered by planting a limited knowledge of the rules into Game-Battler's head and Word of God did a backflip, he declared in red, "I AM NOT A HOMO!"

Beatrice suddenly ceased her yaoi fangirl squeeing and put on a much more serious face. "Dammit."

A man with inexplicable fake ram horns and medieval clothes burst into the scene in a ball of flame and shouted, "GET ON WITH IT!" He promptly vanished.

Battler furrowed his brow in annoyance. "Even if there was someone I liked, why would I tell you?"

Beatrice sighed. "I guess that means this test won't work out...Then I'll change it to a different test. "

Battler growled in anger. Would he ever get his vengeance?

"Battler Ushiromiya!" she shouted, "Now is the time to atone for the sin you committed six years ago!" She saw him blink in confusion. "Come... try to remember... Remember the sin you caused yourself six years ago!" She pointed at his, accusingly. "Remember it, confess, and repent! That's your test!"

"The sin..." he murmured, struggling to remember, "... that I committed six years ago? What the hell?"

"The test has already begun. You must either pass or fail."

"The sin I committed six years ago... You mean when I got pissed off about Dad's remarriage and abandoned the Ushiromiya family name?"

"Wrong. I have no interest in anything between you and your parents."

"Sin... not about my parents... when I was twelve..." Battler's eyes widened in realization. Could that have been it?

"Where is this? Rokkenjima! Don't you have a sin you should remember that's appropriate to our location?"

"Oh God, I know it! I should have listened to Shannon... She warned me, and now..." His voice died out.

Beatrice was puzzled. "Shannon? Did she-"

"OH GAWD I REALLY SHOULD HAVE ASKED SHANNON BEFORE I STOLE HER MANGA! Now everyone's DEAD!"

"..."

"I SWEAR IT! I had NO IDEA that Gravitation was a yaoi before I read it! I-"

"Battler. No... just no."

"Oh." He sank back into reverie... "My sin... was on this island...?" He turned and looked at the dark, angry sky, as thunder growled and the firmament was streaked by blinding white light.

"Remember!" Beatrice commanded, her cool facade slowly breaking down, "Battler Ushiromya. Being unable to remember is your sin! That's why remembering it is your test of atonement!"

"Atonement... Keira Knightley is so hot..."

The real world paused, as meta-Battler and the true Beatrice stood in their Game room. "Does this sin have something to do with you and me?" He asked. This Battler was much more confident than the one he's been watching. It may all be some trick of Beatrice's...

"Why do you think it was a sin against me?"

His face grew thoughtful. "Your eyes..."

"My eyes?"

"Your eyes... They're whispering to me, telling me to apologize..."

"Battler-kun, six years ago, you and I still hadn't met. This has no relation to any problem between you and me."

"Then who? Who have I wronged?" he shouted angrily. If it was this important, he would have remembered!

"You wronged... the universe. The cosmic balance. You have sinned. Because of your sin, people died."

"Are you saying that I killed everyone?"

"Because you committed your sin, all of these lives have been lost. You are one of the causes of this tragedy!"

Battler was shaking, and looking at his feet. "That... that can't be true!"

"What you did shouldn't even have been possible! Of course it would have repercussions like this!"

"At least give me a hint! Tell me something!"

"Fine" Red letters began forming. "Jessica asked for your help. Your sin caused the rules of all known knowledge to be bent. And you didn't even realize it until your Aunt Eva came in and harshly corrected both of you!"

"Aunt Eva..." Battler paused. This must be it. He knew that memory, but what did he do? What went wrong?

_Year 1980. Guest House on Rokkenjima. Jessica Ushiromiya's bedroom._

_"Battler-kun, can you help me with something?" she asked pouting, and hitting her pencil on her forehead in frustration._

_"Sure. What is it? Math?"_

_"Yeah... You're a lot better at this stuff than I am..."_

_Battler sat beside her on the bed and grabbed the pencil from her fingers. "Oh! I see! here's what you did..." He gave a brief explanation, told her what the goal was, and narrated as he fixed the problem. "See? This here is your target number. And this 'x' here is what you need to get away from everything else. So you subtract this and add it over there... and then group these... and now... wait, I'm not really sure here... I think you divide by this... there! All done. here's you're answer!"_

_"Thanks, Battler-kun!"_

"I..."

"Yes, Battler-kun? Do you remember your sin?"

"... I do. You're right... I broke up reality... This is all my fault..."

Beatrice cackled evilly. "Say it! Admit your sin so the world knows to blame you!"

"I..."

"SAY IT!"

"...I divided by zero..."

Beatrice just couldn't hold it in any lounger. He cackle burst into a full-blown laugh of triumph! So he could remember! Maybe her opponent wasn't as stupid as he looked. "Damn right you did! Battler Ushiromiya, you must repent!"

Battler was trembling, in some odd combination of shock, sadness, and anger. "But... I didn't mean to do anything! Please! There's got to be something I can do to fix this!" he sobbed, "They can't just die! Not because of this!"

The witch threw back her head in glee. "Ha! Battler, there's nothing that you can do. I've WON! Now enter this world and stay, bathe in your guilt!"

Both Beatrice and Battler swerved as a voice shouted "NOOO!"

Beatrice gasped. "How... how did she...?"

The red-haired girl ran to battler crying. "No! Battler, you can't let this happen!"

"Are... are you... Ange?"

"Battler..." She caught herself, and quickly corrected her statement. "... That girl is six. Do I look six?"

"...No. but please! Help me fix this, if you know something I can do!"

Beatrice was furious at having her easy victory stolen from her. "There's nothing!"

Ange grabbed her brother's shoulders. "Battler, don't you see? Reality was fractured when you divided by zero, which cannot happen. You broke reality. To correct for your mistake, fantastical things have began happening, like witches, cakes falling from the sky, impossible closed-rooms... and now the world is claiming the lives of the race that broke its philosophy, starting on the island with the culprit!"

"Please... Everyone can't be dead because of me... Tell me what I can do!"

"There's only one option. In theory, the world will correct itself after everything is explained..."

A man holding a very obviously dead Norwegian Blue parrot appeared out of nowhere and shouted "GET ON WITH IT!" He promptly vanished.

"Battler, you must find what the answer is."

"What?" The answer... what number you get when you divide something by zero. If you can name it, it will become logical and real. Like when you explain the murders with non-supernatural methods."

Beatrice laughed. "Oh dear... there is no answer! It looks like I get your life now, and your friends will never get theirs!"

"OBJECTION!" Battler shouted, pointing, perking right back up with hope. "I, Battler Ushiromiya, WILL find the ultimate answer! I'll save everybody! Thanks, Girl-who-looks-like-older-version-of-Ange! BERNKASTEL!"

The blue-haired witch appeared. "I have no wish to see this game end just yet. Battler-kun, I have assembled a team to help you in your quest. When you have the answer, you and Beatrice will once more be able to play this grand game of chess as equals."

Lambadelta also materialized. "I'll consent to anything that will make this more fun!"

Out lovable perv Battler grinned. "Got it! I shall right my sin, and return to reading my yaoi doujinshis in peace!- I... wait...I DON"T WANT IT TO END ON THIS NOTE!"

Battler and Ange both vanished in a swirl of golden butterflies. And so our story begins.

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**A/N:So that's the prologue! PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews are like tasty cake... lovely, addictive, happy-making and tasting slightly of strawberries. Chapter one may or may not be up soon! Depends on reader response! By the way, the first chapter begins our story of epic sci-fi fantasy adventure and much, MUCH, fanservice shall be provided by the Seven Sisters and our little Kanon-kun... My favorite characters! Again, I cannot stress this enough, please review! School started yesterday, and if I'm not motivated I won't make time to write! Thanks for bothering to read this. **

**-Nekoraven**


	2. 1: Bernkastel's Amusements and Clue 1!

**A/N: I attempted to get this out quickly, but school just started and I have a stinkin' two-page essay to write every day for Modern World **

**Here we get part one of the first 'game!' And we all though Bernkastel said she would 'help'... You also find the first clue here, each character will reveal another eventually, so I wish you luck on that little mystery! WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU DIVIDE BY ZERO? No one knows... I don't own Umineko. I could never write something as awesome as that. Nor do I own the joke. It belongs to my totally-mega-awesome former academic team coach, who made it up. I just shortened it considerably. REVIEW SO I POST THE NEXT CHAPTER! AND GET YOUR FRIENDS TO COME AND REVIEW! YEAH!**

**Special thanks to "Punishment Prez." the first (cough*andonly* cough) reviewer!**

**WARNING: References and shout-outs to TV, anime, books, etc., abound! Same drill as the prologue! If you find them, a lot of these are MAJOR CLUES!**

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Chapter One: Bernkastel's Amusements and Clue 1!

ASSEMBLING THE TEAM

"I- Uh... wait..." At confused Battler looked around and found he was sitting in front of Beatrice's portrait in the main hall of the mansion. He sat in silence for a bit, trying to let everything sink in. He got bored. "To heck with melodrama! Where's my special ops team?"

"BATTLER-KUN! WE ARE ARRIVED!"

Our dashing young hero turned just in time to receive a full-force glomp from his cousin Jessica.

"Getoffameh! And... didn't you just get your head cut in half by George's foot? How is that even physically possible?"

"Aww! Aren't you just happy I'm alive?" he teased, still holding onto him more tightly than strictly necessary.

"Well, yeah, but- GEORGE-ANIKI! SAVE MEEEEE!"

"Jessica," he began, pushing up his glasses, "Oh- did I just see Kanon in the hallway?"

Jessica squee-d and ran off in George's indicated direction.

"O-kay..." Battler remembered his mission. "George-aniki, are you aware of the situation?"

His cousin's expression changed instantly from passive to angry. "Why? Why did you have to divide by zero! YOU MORON! Jessica should have asked me for homework help... then no one would be DEAD!"

"But- But-"

"Ua~ Maria has her towel! Ua~"

George and Battler blinked in unison at her entrance. Maria did indeed have a towel. For and unknown but possibly very sinister purpose...

Battler was quite annoyed. "THIS is my Zero-Squad?" (he named it)

George furrowed his brow and tried to keep his voice level. "Who did you expect? L? Dr. House? Albert Einstein? Keiichi Maebara?"

"... who was that last one?"

"Look, I want to live in the real world with Shannon. Jessica wants Kanon. Maria wants... her flower?"

"Ua~!"

"And I'm pretty sure there are more people coming. Everyone has a stake in this, Battler."

"I WUV YOO ALL!" Battler's attempt at a hugfest was then firmly and rapidly denied.

They were soon joined by and apathetic Kanon and the Seven Stakes of Purgatory. Soon afterwards, Amakusa and Ange arrived. Their entrance involved pineapples, and to explain is to confound.

An authoritative voice broke out over the crowd. Dun dun DUN! It was Bernkastel.

"GREETINGS COMMON MORTALS! I assume you all know your purpose here?"

The sisters saluted, Battler fist-pumped, Jessica cuddled a passive Kanon and everyone else stood there boringly.

"That's right!" Battler shouted. "We have a mission together! We shall find... WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DIVIDE BY ZERO!"

"... Okay."

"OKAY, Mr. White-haired-pretty-boy-bodyguard-man-from-the-future? I expect your full-hearted enthusiasm in this!" He glared at everyone else. "We all have something to gain from this, or we wouldn't be here. We WILL find the answer. WHO'S WITH ME?"

"OH YEAHHH!"

"Shut up, Kool-aid man!" shouted Lucifer, as the mascot's red, punchy blood spilled all over the floor.

Bernkastel cleared her throat. "On the path to realization, there are many bumps in the road. Knowingly or not, You've all been playing Beatrice's game. Now It's time to play mine..." All of a sudden she was surrounded by an ominous purple glow.

Battler took a step back. "What do you mean? You'll tell us something if we play your game?"

She spoke in a cold, flat, knowing , EVIL voice. "Battler... nippah." She raised one hand, and the players were transported to the rooms of the game.

Later...

KANON

Kanon found himself in the servant's- no, furniture's- quarters, holding a single piece of paper in his had. It read, "FURNITURE KANON- You will stay here until midnight, when my powers will take you to a secondary location. I recommend you do whatever you wish until then, as you won't have any alone time for a while yet. Hee Hee hee... nipah~!"

He sighed, and decided to take a shower.

Now, at this point an omniscient narrator could take great pains to describe Kanon during this action, especially detailing on how it's such a pity not many have seen him in such a situation. Most good narratives of a series of events wouldn't describe how Kanon moaned with pleasure while the hot water ran down his back, or illustrate his perfect chest, with abs barely noticable but still hard as a rock to the touch, like the rest of the muscles in his almost greyhound-like body. A narrative would also not go onto describe his almost feminine legs, and graceful movements, and would surely leave the imagination of the waist area and lower to the reader, not even bothering to point out his obviously mesmerizing hips and cute butt. Nope, all this and more would just be left to the imagination. Because how would anyone come to know this, anyway?

MARIA

When Maria appeared in the kitchen, she at first felt confused and unhappy to be away from everybody. But she was just transported by magic, right? MAGIC!

"Ua~" A piece of parchment fell from under her crown. Its instructions were simple.

"Maria-chan... To recieve a clue to where you can find the Ultimate Answer, what you get when you divide by zero, you must first complete a task to entertain me and earn my trust. Since you are young yet, I shall give you an easy task. Tell me a good joke. -Witch Bernkastel"

"Ua~! Maria knows lots of good jokes! She'll tell a reeeealy good one she heard! John Hill and Mary Hill just got married- ua~- and they wanna go on their honeymoon in the mountains of Transylvania! But it storms really really bad and their car crashes. So, they find a big, dark, scary castle in the distance..."

AMAKUSA

He was in a basement. The door was locked. He hadn't found his sheet of paper.

MARIA

"... and when they went to the scary castle a scary hunchback with a lisp named Igor opened it and he sees that they're hurt really really really bad from the car crash and takes them in and to the basement where there's a bunch of creepy medical stuff and calls his master to help them..."

AMAKUSA

He was getting very bored. He checked his watch. About half an hour till midnight. Grr... wasn't he supposed to be figuring out how to divide by zero? He current theory was that if you divided by Zero you got Orange.

MARIA

"... and the master of the castle was playing his organ in the top room very creepily but left running when Igor came. So he went into the basement, but by the time he got there, John Hill and Mary Hill had died from blood loss. Ua~! he was sad. So he went back upstairs..."

AMAKUSA

...was still bored. He found a mirror and began doing the Hare Hare Yukai dance in front of it. Then he sat for a few more minutes. Wasn't he supposed to beat the witch's challenge? He heard the clocks begin to chime midnight in the distance. Maybe his challenge was to keep himself entertained? He sighed and looked down, to find a sheet of paper at his feet. It read  
: M"Amakusa-kun... To recieve a clue to where you can find the Ultimate Answer, what you get when you divide by zero, you must first complete a task to entertain me and earn my trust. I suggest you get the first young, attractive person you see and become more than friends.  
-Witch Bernkastel"

"Huh." he said. As he was thinking, a postscript appeared at the bottom of the paper.

"P.S. I like yaoi." The clocks stopped chiming, and there was a loud crash in the corner of the room. He went to check it out.

MARIA

"...and when he got back upstairs he was so sad at their deaths and how he couldn't do anything to stop them so he let out his grief by playing the creepy organ! Ua~! DUN! DadadaDUN da! And when the sound of the organ drifted downstairs to the basement with Igor and the bodies, John and Mary Hill blinked, and started moving again. So Igor ran upstairs to his master the count and shouted,  
'Master! Master! THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!'"

Maria giggled. "Ua~!"

She could have sworn she heard Bernkastel sigh and say. "Fine."

Immediately golden butterflies appeared and formed letters in front of the window.

"Ua~! Pretty butterflies!"

Rosa appeared out of thin air. "Stupid girl! That's the first clue!" She then vanished.

Maria sighed and began reading. "It says... Um... 'All of it are belong to us?'"

AMAKUSA

In the corner of the basement appeared a puzzled, half-naked, dripping Kanon holding a towel. Amakusa's glanced back down at the piece of parchment, and his thought process was rather direct.

_Kanon = 'young'_

_Kanon = 'attractive'_

_Kanon = 'person'- wait!- furniture. _

He squinted at a certain area as Kanon backed away slowly.

_Nope. Kanon certainly = 'person'_

_'Yaoi'? Kanon = boy._

_Me = boy._

_'More than friends' ="_

He paused and surveyed Kanon again.

_Hey, I can deal with this..._

BATTLER

Battler found himself in Kinzo's study, with a single letter that read, "It's your responsibility to put the clues together. I wish you luck, Battler-kun. -Witch Bernkastel"

"Oh, I got this!" he exclaimed. "Hey- I am the resident Phoenix Wright in this game, after all!" He took an 'OBJECTION!' pose.

The door slammed open, revealing his little cousin.

"Ua~! Ua~! Battler! Maria has the first clue!"

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**A/N: ...I actually intended to cover a lot more in this chapter, but it got considerably longer than I wanted it to be. Plus my fingers hurt. I didn't get to the parts with the Sisters and Jessica * disappointed* but they shall come soon! REVIEW! Nekoraven out. **


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